| FORD: MUSTANGS... A Spotter's Guide to Mustangs and Mustang Owners, and the Stigmas
They Carry
It's all so sad. See then in a supermarket or mall and you may
not immediately realize the pathetic disease that's gripped their
lives. But catch a glimpse of them in the parking lot, and you immediately
know the rueful, wretched lives they live. They are, of course,
Mustang owners. Forget their limp engines, weak suspensions, and
the fact that mustangs have the structural integrity of a soggy Saltine,
the worst thing about them is the insane stigma they infer. Drive
a new mustang and people think you're an out of town-er who 
rented at
Hertz. Drive any other Mustang and you shout to the world the
vacancy of your Brain and the lack of automotive skill. There are two
and only two types of people sad enough to still drive Mustangs: brain
dead street racers and
anal-retentive restoration fanatics. In fact, only the street
racer actually drives the car. Let's be blunt; the Camaro has
always been quicker, better-handling car than the Mustang. Choosing
to drive a Mustang has always been a victory of derangement over common
sense. The people who buy Mustangs are ill fated and deserve our
pity. But instead of organizing a telethon, I have decided to make
fun of them. Below is my guide to spotting the two types of
Mustang owners. Study them intensely and beware: Don't let
your children near them.
THE STREET RACER Don't think human, think street
racer. This guy lives for clandestine rendezvous in industrial
parks at 2:00 am where he races his Mustang. He says he's 19, but
he's actually 33. He's spent every last dollar he's ever had on the
car and loses every dollar after that racing. He doesn't have
a real job. He lives with his parents, and his mom will tell you
that, "He just needs some time to think things over. While
street racing is what he lives fort he only races other Mustangs. In
fact, he considers Camaros unfair competition. "I'll race anyone.
But Camaro guys are all cheaters. They've got more
displacement!" Like duh. Approaching this guy, don't be
distracted by the fact that his pupils seem permanently dilated or that
his skin tone changes with his mood swings. Just remember, he's deaf.
That's from driving his Mustang on the freeway with those 5.30:1 gears.
In fact, the car idles at 4000 rpm and needs to be pushed down a highway
on-ramp to start. For more on the Street Racer CLICK HERE
THE ANAL-RETENTIVE RESTORATION FANATIC This guy is
probably more like you dad than he is like you. We hope. He bought his
'65 Mustang because he remembered always wanting one when he "was a
kid," which is ironic because he was never a kid. He managed
to 
make it all the way through the '60s by ignoring rock music and got a
deferment from the military because of premature make pattern baldness. He owns 16 distinct life insurance policies and names
his car as the primary beneficiary in 13 of them. His Mustang club
is the beneficiary of the other three. he owns no cloths made of
natural fibers. He's 49 years old and has been for six years, and
sometimes "gets casual" by putting on a sweater. He owns
Sansabelt slacks in 14 different shades of forest green, 16 shades of
sky blue and one pink. Besides staring at his beloved car for 16
hours every day, he compulsively washes his hands every four
minutes. His favorite saying? "Don't touch it!" For
more on the Anal-Retentive Restoration Fanatic CLICK HERE |
